Afterglow

The Hurricane

2012-01-04T00:50:00.000+08:00

I dreamed of a hurricane approaching me, I tried to use my knowledge of how I could survive the catastrophe. But, I don't remember if I was caught in it or if I managed to magically survive unharmed.

Then I looked up in the internet for it's meaning, and one interpretation caught my attention. It is stated that I maybe in a mental and emotional blunder, and somehow, that I was forced to do something that I do not like.

When I think about it, it is most definitely not my career, not it is with my family. It got me, I think it was my 'love life'.

I'm trying to pull myself together, and in the process I keep on depending on others. Though I like to be alone, I tend to entertain the thought that someone is waiting for me. So patiently, that the feeling of guilt starts to stir in me.

I am afraid that I might only use that person for my own well being. I'm afraid that I may not see that guy as someone that I can love and get intimate with. I am afraid of hurting that one person, because I believe that this guy isn't supposed to be treated like this.

I want to be whole. Before doing anything, before loving another person, I want to be whole. I want love myself making sure that no other man is involved. I just want to keep being independent, like the way I was a year ago. Before some jerk captured this maiden's pure heart. (okay lol)

And here is another issue,

I do not know if I was the greater jerk or he is. It gets me all confused.
I know I had a lot of faults, but I am sure that he was the reason why I became like that.

I was so nice back then,
I was so sweet.
I was so innocent.
I was so positive.

But then, all the hurt happened. Physically, mentally and emotionally, I was hurt, stressed and my pride was trampled. For a year and a month it was like that.
Until, I wasn't able to take the pressure of always being in a argument.
I wanted to be happy.
I wanted to be pampered.
I wanted to feel loved.
I wanted to feel that I was special.
I wanted to feel good about our relationship.

And until now, I want all those. But sadly, it's too much for me to ask.
I ended up being all too comfortable yet fed up. I wanted him to have a taste of his own medicine, but it seems that he cannot take it. Or maybe I was too harsh. But he was worse.
We couldn't make ends meet, and what I did took a deep toll on our relationship. In my opinion, I had an just explanation. But he just didn't see that, he left me alone in the middle of the night. And even that days after, he was able to watch me immerse myself in hurt. Is it wrong for me to think that he maybe he couldn't leave me like that. Or maybe he could give a few minutes to hug me, and say that he was sorry too. Was it too much? Was I too harsh? Was I too selfish this time?

But I was being selfless... too much back then... That I just can't... anymore...

And until this time, he can't seem to make time for me.

Dang this is too much, I need a cigarette break.

Feelings?

2011-03-11T08:05:00.003+08:00

To be honest, I don't know what to think anymore.

Sometimes I feel that I was so oppressed that I can't even do what I wanted to and I can't even jive with others.

But somehow... when I'm with him, when we tend to enjoy things together, when we get through things. It was all worthwhile. It's all okay. I forget everything and I'm happy.

But I can't live like this forever, when I don't feel like I'm free. So it's time to say things, to make him understand.

But, what about his side? What would he say?

To be honest, I don't know what to think, say, or feel.

But one thing is for sure - I love him and I dont' wanna lose him.

Color Quiz Results

2010-11-16T13:59:00.003+08:00

Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.

Your Existing Situation

"Creative and emotional, looking for ways to further expand those qualities. Looking for a partner who enjoys the same activities. Seeking adventure and new and unusual activities."

Your Stress Sources

"Seeks freedom and the chance to do as she wishes; avoids restrictions or things that try to hold her back. Feels an intense amount of pressure being put on her and would like a chance to escape in order to do the things she wants and needs to do for himself. However, she lacks the determination and motivation to escape and pursue her own personal gains."

Your Restrained Characteristics

"Tries to participate and involve herself in things going on around him; however, avoids conflict and arguments to reduce stress and tension."

"Current situation makes her feel unable to prove himself, but tries to make the best of things."

Feels trapped in a helpless situation and is desperately seeking relief. she is able to find pleasure and happiness in sexual activity.

"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."

Your Desired Objective

"Wishes to live in a calm, peaceful, relaxing environment, where everyone gets along and there is a strong sense of belonging."

Your Actual Problem

"Tension and stress is brought on by trying to cope with conditions which are out of her control, using up all her strength and leaving her feeling inadequate. she wishes to escape into a more peaceful and problem-free environment, in which she will no longer have to assert herself or deal with so much pressure."

Your Actual Problem #2

"Prefers to be left in peace and avoids arguments, confrontation, and conflicts."

Why are girls like this?

2010-09-25T18:58:00.002+08:00

I give into the temptation

A temptation I know that will hurt me too,

But is my curiosity an enough reason for this?

Why can't I take joy in what's happening now?

Why can't I fully give my trust.

WHY ARE YOU SO AFRAID?

It's the past. And today? It is the present.

Take a break and enjoy every moment.

Live without fear, Live without any regrets.

But the question,

Why are we like this?

It's hurtful, yet it's addicting.

Can't we just please stop?

Development

2010-09-25T18:49:00.002+08:00

take a little time and surely
you'll work it out from here
all we need is strength of heart and
a light against our fears

Maybe, just maybe, I could come clean again.

I could allow myself to fall

I could allow myself to tumble

I could allow myself to get hurt

I could allow myself to trust

I could allow myself to be happy

I could allow myself to love

Maybe just once, maybe just this once, I'll take the risk.

Another

2010-08-30T18:55:00.008+08:00

I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)
For the rest of our lives
Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now

It makes me feel sad that in these kind of situations I become like this,

I can't help but blame myself because I made the wrong choices. And from those wrong choices, arise undesirable results and destructive feelings. Although I think I have no regrets, I believe that I find all these difficult and hurtful.

Yes, I feel sad, because I am coward.

I am weary.

I am tired.

I had enough of all these heartaches.

But what if another appears? Will I be willing to waste my time on this? Will I be willing to break my barriers? Will I be willing to respond to him?

My mind says 'No', but my heart thinks otherwise.

Because I know it longs for something it has forgotten.

WHAT TO DO~ 082910

2010-08-30T13:29:00.002+08:00

Marriage Certificate Design for KhunToria's 100th
Fanfic Poster for maple in AFF
ADAM Couple Message (1 more)
FINAL PLATES

- So am I gonna be okay? :3

To be honest,

2010-08-30T03:19:00.004+08:00

To be honest, I feel whatever.

It seems like I didn't really wanna care, but there will be times that I would think,

'I have nothing else to do? How about just making myself happy?'

then I would be like, 'whatever, you are digging your own grave.'

And then I would tell myself, 'don't feel bad, you're like that to others too. and besides, as long as you don't put any meaning to it, you'll be fine.'

And some would say, 'kyaa~ just go with the flow' and 'be careful, you might get hurt.'

FTF --> F*ck this Feeling. It definitely isn't helping. Not to mention I'm already tired and weak while doing this.

Why can't I just be like them? Why can't I just find a relationship that seems to be made in heaven as they are?

KhunToriaaa~ #FTW!

Higher

2010-05-18T11:01:00.004+08:00

"But I realized something as I drove home that night: that I am neither better nor smarter, only luckier. And I should be ashamed of thinking I knew everything, because you can know the whole world and still feel lost in it. So many people are in pain - no matter how smart or accomplished - they cry, they yearn, they hurt. But instead of looking down on things, they look up, which is where I should have been looking, too. Because when the world quiets to the sound of your own breathing, we all want the same things: comfort, love, and a peaceful heart."

- Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom

This is my most favorite quote in Mitch Albom's new book, Have a Little Faith. All the hard work from saving freakin' 800 pesos for the book is worth it. You can really get a lot from this mere quote.

Sometimes we just think that because we are very capable and successful, we tend to forget that there is still someone who's higher than us. An entity who's higher than the mountains, than the sky, than you dreams itself, and this is God.

A God who's willing

A God who's loving

A God who'll give you

the chance to experience

comfort, love and a peaceful heart.

2010-01-27T22:52:00.005+08:00

Breath in. Breathe Out.
The battle is over.
You lost.
You fought hard.
You thought hard.
You did your best.
But, the worst part is...
There was no battle to begin with.
You thought you were in it.
You thought you were fighting for something.

It was all in your head.

12 Soon-to-be-fulfilled GOALS :)

2010-01-26T20:34:00.007+08:00

New goals:

1. GET BACK TO DANCING! <3
2. BECOME SLIM (again) AND MAINTAIN IT.
3. Have a Nikon D90
4. Become a Dean's Lister (Again!)
5. Travel to Macau / Korea
6. Manage a nice and well-earning business
7. Learn Adobe Illustrator and Premier and become a better graphic designer.
8. Draw Better in both in anime and in realism. Well, draw better generally.
9. Have a Cooler Laptop
10. Quit my vices
11. A Boyfriend whom I love and Loves me back. <3

LASTLY...

12. BECOME A BETTER PERSON. :)

Learn From It

2010-01-07T23:19:00.010+08:00

it’s been cold summer nights since we drifted apart
cold summer nights since you walked out that door
cold summer nights..oh, here on my own
coz i miss you baby, i need you here

But how come I still keep on doing these same mistakes? Why?
I should at least get tired, but NO, I get all hyped up doing the same things and end up committing the same mistake.

Wake up YOU! Yes me! Wake up! :|

I'm up for some morning chit-chat. :)

2009-05-20T08:18:00.015+08:00

Goodmorning. I just had breakfast with a little bit of hangover and nausea-tic feeling.

I found my friend Jio blogging about college so I decided to blog one too 'coz trust me I have a lot of time to spare. *waves hi to jio*

First and foremost let me tell a little background of my school & college life. I graduated elementary and high school in Siena College Taytay. Then, I was ONCE a freshmen student from UST with the course of BS Nursing. Oh and let me brag that I passed the 2nd year quota despite of my happy-go-lucky personality. So anyway, I decided to transfer into another school and shift into another course which specifically is Bachelor in the Arts of Multimedia Arts in De La Salle - College of Saint Benilde Taft Ave. Manila
(Me: Its complete. Yay! :3)

Lately I'm having lots of dilemma regarding this 'being a transferee' thing and to make matters worse, I'm far from my already known friends because I'm on a separate building and I don't have a stable block. So, I don't know if I would be able to adapt well partly because I'm from a different society and upbringing. To make things clearly, I'm not that pa-sosyal, I'm a little boyish and I have some tambay sa kanto-ish ways especially in the way I talk.

But in a way, I'm kind of excited about this new life sort of thing. I'm glad that I would be studying in a field I am very interested in. I'm excited about working on those not-being-able-to-sleep plates. Well, I guess you can already see that I am overly excited. :)

I also wanna share these lines that some of my good friends told me.
Thank you pala for all of these.
It was really touching and it helped me decide.

From Kaye:

If you know that it will truly make you happy, Louie, you shouldn't think twice. You'd like to come home from work, tired, but happy. ;)

From Janine:

yi! aja louie! i'll support you wtvr road you'll take. haha. do what you think would make you happy. hehe. un lang. hugs tyt,

Eto pa from Janine,

OH MY GOD, LOUIE!!! WAAA. PASUKAN NIO NA DI BA!! WAAAA... YOU'RE NOW CLOSER TO WHAT YOU'VE BEEN ASKING FOR!!! WAAAA... GALING! I ENVY YOU ABIT. HAHAHA. :))) PERO IM HAPPIER NAMAN (I THINK) RIGHTNOW. KAYA OKAY LANG.. WAA.. SUSUNOD NALANG AKO SA YAPAK MO 33YRS AFTER THIS. HAHAHAHAHA. :)))) WAAAAA.. WAAA.. BASTA BALITAAN MO AKO LOUIE HA!!!

(Me: Janine! Ikaw talaga! I love you! Miss ko na ikaw ka-seatmate. :3)

Oh and One more thing!
I miss UST!
I miss my nursing friends!
I miss my hatest subjects (Chemistry, RLE & NCM)!
I miss the YFC-UST family!
I miss my Siena Batchmates!
Darn it, well, I guess ONCE A THOMASIAN IS ALWAYS A THOMASIAN. :3

P.S. Wag na kayo kumontra Exz, Trisha at Clare >;>

A mother's day blogpost. :)

2009-05-10T17:15:00.010+08:00

I also believe that parents, if they love you, will hold you up safely, above their swirling waters, and sometimes that means you'll never know what they endured, and you may treat them unkindly in a way you otherwise wouldn't. But there's a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But, behind all your stories is always your mother's story, because hers is where yours begins...

- For One More Day by Mitch Albom -

I just finished reading the book where I got that very appealing quote, and I might say, I was really captivated, not just by the quote, but the whole story from the book. Oh, and a confession, actually, I'm quite soft in these touchy-feel-y stuff. I can cry when something is real sad, its quite the same with this book but somehow it is different in a way. I found myself being able to relate in the story and the situation the characters was in but, the funny/stupid thing is I was able to cry while reading the book, in front of my mom, and getting my nails done. (ROFL)

I might say I learned quite a bucketful of life and love lessons from the book and the quote above being a piece of those lessons. And ironically, these lessons fit the occasion for today which is Mother's Day.

So here's the drill. Although our moms are not perfect,
they may seem too strict, a big KJs and just plain naggy,
have you ever thought of
what they endured just to have you where you are tonight?
How many sleepless nights they've spent?
How many oceans they tried to cross?
How many tears they shed?
All just for you...

So, say thank you to your mom for just everything and love with with no regrets.

As for my mom, although she may never have a chance to read this. I love her more than anything. Even though there are so much things I've been wronged at, she loved me more than anything else but I didn't love her just for that reason. *chuckles*
So anyway, I am just so thankful that God gave me to her and I would never ever change it for the world.

I LOVE YOU MOM. :)
and a HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL OF YOU GUYS OUT THERE.

In the midst chaos...

2009-05-05T22:11:00.010+08:00

Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.

- Unknown -

Faith never knows where it is being led, But it knows and loves the One who is leading.
- Oswald Chambers -

Sadness is a wall between two gardens.
- Kahlil Gibran

I just finished reading 'The Shack by William Paul Young', and I might say I had a hard time trying to find that book. So, in just a matter of days I managed to finished it because of my utter excitement.

These are some of the passages from the book that appealed to me the most and I wanted to share it with you guys. Its just that I was so moved by its story. Its like what others said about it, this book is like a prayer.

I promise to you guys that if ever I would be given the time, I would write the fascinating things I've learned in that book. :)

Photo taken by Me.
PS. sorry for being an amateur. :P

Suprisingly weird. :)

2009-03-28T03:41:00.011+08:00

Let me share a very trivial thing. :)

When my high school friends and I went to an event, we took a lot of pictures. My camera back then had a terrible error. Several pictures would get replaced by the picture where the error started. I was really pissed back then because those pictures were very important to me.

What's funny with the whole situation is that the picture that replaced several pictures, and also, the picture where the error started was the picture of someone that surprisingly became an important person to me.
Moreover, I was really pissed back then! *chuckles*

Well, God really works in a different ways, but still, I wonder, if all these really meant something. :)
Oh! I have another story related to the same person, but, that's a different thing to blog about. :P

photo from here.

Drifting Away.

2009-03-26T02:23:00.008+08:00

Its 2:30 am and I am currently reading manga and listening to music.

Frankly at this moment, I can say that I am really scared, and perhaps a little lonely too.
So, I decided to blog the things running in my head, and also, to somehow divert my focus into other stuffs. I also started listening to songs by Hillsongs.
(sounds kinda' redundant? cx)

I started recall the things that is happening to me right now, then, I found myself arriving at a conclusion that lately things seems to not go my way.

Somehow, due to differing problems,
I started to feel betrayed, bored, unsatisfied, so irritable, lonely, and inevitably wrong.

But I realized that I was also indulging myself in worldly things, particularly vices to forget all of these problems. I started to forget my responsibilities and I kind of took him for granted.

I suddenly recalled all the things that I learned from different people, and I started to realized that maybe, I felt all of these negative things because I am currently drifting away from him.
I thought that this is also his way of saying that,
"I'm here. I won't leave you alone."

Somehow, I am also afraid to admit that I am wrong but I am really at fault.
I also know that there are a lot of inconsistencies in my head but two things are for sure.

Its about time I apologize and,
its about time that I go back to his arms.

P.S.
Rwar!~ I am starting to miss our weekly worships. :(

A thought :)

2009-03-09T23:35:00.004+08:00

Just a thought for the whole excruciating week:

"I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me."
- Philippians 4:13

I believe that through him, with him and in him I can overcome any endeavor in my life. Yey! :)

Image credits:
Faith by Alkina Angel

Help. Too much Confusion.

2009-03-03T22:01:00.008+08:00

"Ang hirap kasi iwan e, andito sa UST yung kasiyahan ko pero yung pangarap ko wala dito."
These are the exact same words I uttered to Ate Eliza regarding my decision of transferring to Benilde.

I just can't imagine the thought of myself, getting every single requirement of UST for transferring and receiving a honorary dismissal. Argh. This just makes me feel so sad.

Transferring to another school and leaving UST feels like saying goodbye to something that really became a big part of your life.

Its just that my heart is within the four corners of España, Dapitan, P. Noval and Lacson. It just became the place that I was so happy with. A place where I made new and lasting friends and experienced God's Love in YFC-UST. Moreover, Benilde is... well, I don't even know if I would even fit in there.

*sighs*

I know its just right to shift to a course that I truly want but then why does it feel so wrong?

Help, please and some prayers too. Thank you. :(

Nonsense. :)

2009-02-21T18:07:00.009+08:00

A short blogpost to compensate for the long one. cherio :)

I cannot deny that I AM happy.
Furthermore, I became overwhelmed by that happiness, the happiness that I haven't even experienced for a long time. The feeling became so intense that I started to blurt it out to my closest and most trusted friends.

And well, I've been thinking lately, maybe I just really felt appreciated. Maybe that's why. Still, a lot of things may still happen and only God knows what is in store for me.

As for now, I think that maybe this is all just mere infatuation but still, I AM HAPPY. :)

The Biggest Decision I will make.

2009-02-17T17:00:00.019+08:00

I just wanna share this thought to all of you.

note: long blog post ahead. :)

During this second semester, we are currently taking NCM RLE. We are taught basic nursing skills like asepsis, vital signs, bed making and bed bath. We also do lots and lots of demos and ret-dems. However, due to those I realized that NURSING isn't really for me.

I almost never get excited during demos. The nursing techniques didn't really satisfy me. Its as if I was doing something I didn't like. Then just this year, I thought really hard about this and I decided that I wasn't really meant for nursing. Moreover, I found out that my long passion is for arts and computer.

Since grade school, I was fond of watching animes and drawing it. Eventually, I developed my passion for arts and acquired the talent of drawing . In high school I became an artist for the school magazine and newspaper. Luckily, in my senior year I was also able to become the head artist for the school newspaper (the scene) and my friend, Krisma, as the head artist for the school magazine (scribble). Together we both had our own sets of artists and struggled with the other staffs to publish an issue.

Back then, when I was in grade school, I became jealous of the beautiful layouts that I pass through the net that I eventually started to study HTML codes by myself. Using whatever sources I could get, I was successful in using them. Lately, I got into using photoshop. I enjoyed doing layouts for websites, taking photos and editing them. That's why maybe I spend most of my time in front of the computer tweaking codes and such.

Just then, I realized that these hobbies don't want to be just hobbies. Something inside tells me that I want to pursue these. I want to do these. I want to make use of these. Thus, I came to realize that I developed this kind of passion for arts and computer.

I went to alot of people asking their opinions on what course should I take and what they think that suits me. I also asked people whether It would be a good Idea to shift or not. Then finally, after arranging the thoughts in my head, I decided to shift. Lately, I just told my mom and my dad about this and they certainly agreed with me although my mom still is still half-hearted about this. Eitherway, I am just glad to have such supportive parents and I thank God for them.

Yesterday, I went home together with Clare, a classmate from high school, and then I was talking and sharing my thoughts with her.

This is how our conversation went,
well not exactly the same words but here it goes:

Me: Clare magshi-shift ako! Kaso gusto ko yung may arts at computer!
Clare: Edi multimedia, sa Benilde.
Me: Eh! Ayoko iwan UST. :(
Clare: Edi mag CFAD kanalang. Archi kana.
Me: Eh. ayoko nun.
Clare: Advertising arts?
Me: Ha? Ayoko, may sinabi yung friend ko dun. May dormate siya tapos di na daw sila natutulog. tsaka gusto ko rin may computer.
Clare: Edi multimedia!
Me: Eh! Oo nga. kaso ayoko umalis ng UST. *sobs*

I was really bothered with the thought of shifting the whole day. When I got home, I logged in to the net and searched for nice multimedia schools. I ran into a forum (I think its candy,) and the forum starter just happened to have the same problem as me - whether where to take the multimedia course. This guy answered her question and said that the three best schools for multimedia are CSB (La Salle College of St. Benilde), Ateneo De Naga, and MAPUA. Then again, I searched the internet and ran into a video made by CSB multimedia students. I was really amazed with their works. It was all nice and I am certainly impressed. Then, I decided that I should take multimedia in CSB.

Immediately the next day, I told Janine, my seatmate, about it. She definitely approved and gave me the pros in studying in CSB. I also told my closest friends about it and they definitely agreed, well, except the fact that they don't want us to be separated.

As for now, I am pretty sure about my decision of Transferring to CSB with the course of Multimedia. The only thing left to do is to tell this to my mom and hope that she allows me to study in CSB despite our financial problems. Anyhow, I'll just trust in God and let him lead my way.

Valentines with friends

2009-02-11T21:29:00.008+08:00

"As a single person, do you feel any envy for the couples you see dating?"
Some of you might somehow wanted to ask me that.
Well, my answer is NO.

All of my life, I never had a valentines day date or whatsoever.
Although I am fully aware that during valentines day there should be dates, couples, flowers, chocolates, and lots and lots of love. Yet despite of that, I almost never felt any type of jealousy nor incompleteness.

One reason is that I have the world's greatest friends.

Just last night, me and my friends (the singles! lmao,) went to a bar to celebrate and wait for the eve of valentines day. Though there were problems during that night, it was still really fun! We all danced in the tune and my friend jammed with the acoustics.
We were the best crowds! And most of all, We all had a blast!
I think nothing will ever beat that valentines day.

For me this is the best valentines day ever.
No lovers nor dates. Just True Friends.
So, with no sarcasm and just pure sincerity.
I just wanna greet you guys, a belated Happy Valentines Day!

A Statement, A car and Crazy dog.

2009-02-08T19:30:00.006+08:00

Once on a typical weekday morning, I was on my way to school in a public vehicle. I saw this dog. I don't know what kind of dog it is but one thing is sure, he is running for his life because in a highway full of rushing cars, this dog was chasing his owner.

At first, I was really startled and I said to myself, "loko loko naman pala itong asong to e! gusto yata magpakamatay hinahabol yung kotse." Then, a man on the back said, "Hinahabol ata yung amo. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk." I caught myself thinking about that statement, the car and the crazy poor dog.

In that particular encounter, I came to realize an unpleasant reality in this world.

Imagine how people tend to give everything for their special someone. Loving, trusting and doing everything just to win their heart, even if it means risking their own lives. This is the persona I can see through the dog. On the other hand, there will be unappreciative people who just never had the time to care. This is the persona I can see through the dog's owner.

In the situation of the dog and the car, The owner heartlessly left his dog. But, the dog chose to be with its owner, even to the point of risking its life chasing its owner in a highway with just a little chance of survival, just to prevent being apart from him.

Then I thought in conclusion that because of too much love, sadly, people tend to be blind.

With those last thoughts, I found myself feeling pity for the poor dog and wishing that it is still alive. At the same time, I was unable to hold my tears and I gently released a silent cry.

A Cold Christmas.

2008-12-23T19:37:00.008+08:00

Yes, I am a product of a broken family.
I am a product of broken promises.
I am a product of fights and misunderstandings.
I am a product of longing and melancholy.

At first I thought I would be just fine and that everything would be alright. I thought I could go on and as if nothing ever happened.

But I found out that I was wrong...

Right now, all I could ever want is a happy family this Christmas.
I miss the old days when we carelessly travel anywhere the wind takes us as long as we together.
I miss the days when we used to eat together in a warm table.
I miss the old days when we go to church together.
I miss the old days we had noche buena together.
I miss the old days that we get to light up the candle in the advent wreath.
I miss the old days when we get to light up fireworks together.

I miss the old days...
I miss everything...

So for you guys out there who still have a nice happy family.
Thank God for that.
Consider it as an amazing gift that not everybody is blessed on having, because right now, this Christmas,

" the best gift you'll ever receive is the company and LOVE of your family."

Pain is such a strong word

2008-10-29T02:36:00.003+08:00

*I just wanna post this in english and all.

I guess when it comes up to love, everybody gets hurt but,
Why does it even need to be so mysterious?
Why does it have to come with pain?
Why does it have to be so hard?

These thoughts came out of my mind when I saw a very good friend of mine doing everything he can just for the girl he loves (who is actually my sister) and I just don't know but it hurts me too inside. Somehow, I can sense his pain because obviously I can see his efforts not only for my sister but also for us, her family. I can see how he is just neglected and how he just feels hostility from my sister. Ack* It just sucks to be a spectator and I don't know why I have this overly pitiful kind heart that makes me cry even though I am not the one hurting. Moreover, what obviously made me pity him more is that when he said that, "Ayaw na ata sa akin ng ate mo." Aruyyy. That was like a big BOOM! for me. I know its a bit exaggerated but thats how I felt, an overwhelming pity. If you could see all his efforts, even though he was rejected and hurt alot of times, he still kept his love and stayed there for my sister but not again this time.

Oh! I don't know, I just feel so so much pity for him. Darn I hate crying, I guess all I can do now is pray for him. Pray that God would provide him because I know and the people around him that he is such a good person and lover.

-------------------------------

I feel so empty, again.

2008-10-22T05:21:00.004+08:00

Pakiramdam ko parang I lost track again of my life. Parang hindi ko nanaman alam kung anu yung gagawin ko. Hindi ko rin alam kung ano yung hinahanap ko. As in, I am practically clueless. Ayoko panaman ng parang EMO. Nakakainis kasi e, parang hindi mo kasi alam kung anu yung mafefeel mo and kung ano yung dapat mong ifeel. Kaya siguro parang ang hilig hilig kong uminom. Isa lang masasabi ko, It sucks bigtime. Kaya ayokong nag-iisa tapos walang magawa. Parang feeling ko, nag iisa ako sa mundo. Parang feeling ko, ang lungkot lungkot. Ayokong nagiisa, swear. Ayoko na ng ganitong feeling. Nakakaaning kaya. Yung parang lahat tinatamad ka, parang lahat ayaw mo gawin. Parang super wala kang motivation sa buhay. Inspirasyon/Motivation lang naman ang kailangan ko ngaun e, yung lang. Yung lang siguro, magkakaroon na ako ng way para maging masaya. :(

I survived the 1st semester

2008-10-22T03:20:00.003+08:00

Alam mo rin nman siguro yung feeling na super pagod lahat lahat, yung tipong wala ayaw mo na pumasok dahil nahahaggard ka na sa kakaaral at lahat pa ng subjects mo buong araw (lalo na yung major) ay may quiz. Tapos nadiyan pa yung problema mo sa pamilya mo, sa lovelife mo na walang kwenta, sa mga kaibigan mong hindi mo na nakakasama tapos may problema pa. :)

Masaya ako ngayon kasi sa dinadami dami ng niranas namin na reports, haggard moments, araw na walang tulog at pagod sa pagaaral ay natapos na din ang isang first semester at sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon ay nakasurvive ako. Siguro isa pa sa ikinatutuwa ko kasi ako ay isang taong tamad at happy-go-lucky na tao. As in wala sa utak ko ang mag-aral ng mag-aral. Isa pa akong expert procrastinator. Kaya super masaya kahit hindi masyado mataas yung grades ko, im happy na makakapag 2nd sem pa ako tapos makakabawi pa kung sakali.

Ang final grade ko kasi nung inadd ko yung grades ko sa ELEAP tapos dinivide ko kung ilan yung subject ko ay 1.982 tapos ang cut off namin sa UST nursing ay 2. So, ayun im hanging by the cut-off pero ok na din kasi at least pumasa ako sa chemistry, kasi ang pinakagoal ko talaga ay ang mag second sem. :)

Syempre super thank you kay GOD kasi hindi niya ako iniwan throughout my whole sem. Kahit yung tipong gusto ko nang umiyak sa pagod na nararamdaman ko tuwing na stre-stress out ako. Binigyan din ako ni God ng pag-asa na magpatuloy pa sa pag-aaral ko kasi kahit papaano ay pasok padin ako sa cut-off. Ayun. Super salamat lang talaga kay GOD. woooo! THANK YOU LORD! I LOVE YOU! salamat ulit. So tayong lahat, advice ko lang naman ha, ay wag tayong mahiya na humingi ng tulong kay GOD, kasi nandito lang siya parati sa tabi natin, di lang siguro natin talaga napapansin kasi super busy natin sa buhay natin at sa ibang bagay. Always remember na NGUMITI, MAGDASAL at MAG-ARAL :)

English to Taglish

2008-10-19T16:21:00.004+08:00

Siguro nagtataka ka kung bakit biglang naging Filipino o Taglish yung pagsulat ko sa blog. Ayan ang sagot ko,

“Kung ako ay isang walang kwentang manunulat, english ang isusulat ko, para kahit anu anu ang sabihin ko hindi na nila mahahalata.. Kaya nga ako nagsulat sa tagalog para maintindihan ng mambabasa ang lahat ng sinasabi ko”

- Bob Ong

totoo naman hindi ba? para maraming makabasa at makaintindi, lalo na sa bansa natin ay mas maganda na magsulat ng tagalog. kung di ba namn kasi malupit itong si Bob Ong e, hindi ko siya susundin :))

Afterglow -- what does it mean?

2008-10-17T15:19:00.002+08:00

Yeap, you might me wondering why "afterglow" is my blog's name?
It goes like this, my dad and I were having a conversation in our balcony, then I saw on his phone AFTERGLOW, then i asked him.
"Daddy bakit afterglow yung pangalan diyan sa phone mo?"
then he replied and said,
"Anak, ganito kasi yan, yung afterglow ay yung nararamdaman mo pagkatapos ng isang pangyayari."

When he told me that, I came to realize that its like a really strong feeling that you can't forget and just get over. Its like having a really headaching hangover after a nice drink with friends. Thus, with those thoughts of afterglow I used it as my blog title, because my blog, for me is a sanctuary where I can reveal all my thoughts and feelings particularly the ones that I cannot forget.

Expectations

2008-10-16T07:50:00.004+08:00

A little blogpost won't hurt before I do my agenda for the day.

First of all, i don't know what to expect this day. I don't even know what to do. Will I give my trust to that person that I just got close yesterday? Is this really a chance for me to love again or a chance for get hurt again? which is which? Darn, I hate having these complicated feelings. I guess all I can do now is trust in God, because I know that with him everything will be okay. well, I read a fantastic quote that my friend sent me through text, it says "LESS EXPECTATIONS: LESS PAIN and NO EXPECTATIONS: NO PAIN, its as easy as that."

Anway, wish me luck! And also, take care to me & God bless.

Love lots,
Louielyn [Angel Tears]

Murmurs of my heart.

2008-10-15T20:02:00.001+08:00

Its been so long since I decided to write something in here. At the moment, Everything feels so random. Moreover, I am feeling that everything I do seems to go nowhere. Maybe there is something missing? Maybe I am expecting something? Maybe I need something? What is it? The only conclusion I have now is that I need a partner, a father figure since my real father left us. A person who would make me laugh, listen to me, make me smile, comfort me in my sorrow, protect me with all his might, and someone who will love me for who and what I am.

Oh well, who am I kidding? As if someone will have the guts to be with me and love me. Its as if I have a jinx in love that I can’t even find myself a good lover. To make things worse, everyone of my friends seems to have found their own prince charming but what about me? What will I become? Will I just be a wallflower waiting in vain while seeing everybody with their partners dance in the tune?

I miss you, but then i don't.

2008-09-09T23:11:00.004+08:00

You might think that this is a more of a lovey-dovey blog post but its not, rather I am just missing someone who is very important to me. I thought at first that I won't miss him, but then I found myself wrong. Every time I hear his name I unconciously ask myself, "what is he doing now? is he even okay?" well, a lot of things happened, but for now, I am just trying to focus myself on other things.

So much to do, So little time.

2008-09-09T17:03:00.001+08:00

whew. i got tons of things to do, i just thought to run a blog post before anything else. hahaha.
my agenda for this afternoon till midnight (or morning =_____=) is ,first, i would sleep then research for my chemistry report for the lab convention on thursday because we'll be reporting about 'naming organic compounds and my assigned topic are about ketones, esters and ethers'. lastly, i would study for my psychology recitation which has 36 pages! O___O (damn, this sucks bigtime!) tomorrow would be a really big day for me. wth. all i can do is pray to God and do my very best in this! wahh. i miss my weekends. :(