Afterglow
Click here for the archives

September 2008 October 2008 December 2008 February 2009 March 2009 May 2009 January 2010 May 2010 August 2010 September 2010 November 2010 March 2011 January 2012 March 2012 September 2014 October 2014 December 2014 March 2015 April 2015 October 2017

What is control?

What is... choosing?

What is bound by something?

Am I truly free? Or am I truly blessed? Am I really right? Do my choices matter?

I must regain control.

Of my health, of my weight, of my life, of my free time - of my time.

I must step forward.

I must act.

I must reflect and think.

I must enjoy silence.

I must know my own thoughts.

I must. Do what is right.

Do what is good.








My dreams are getting more hurtful.

Things are getting harder.

I dreamt about him hugging me. It was a surprise back hug. That he can't help it. That he wanted to get back to me.
And then... I agreed.

I felt my heart jump, my heart fluttered in a pleasant surprise. And I accepted his very arms.
Because I love him still.

I thought that it was a good. I thought everything is okay. I'm happy and I honestly feel good.
But then I woke up... from a very beautiful dream.



It still haunts me, my feelings haunt me.
My dreams are beginning to become frequent and it hurts even more.
I don't know how to stop it.
I... I don't know if I want it to stop.
But all I know is that I want it to become a reality.





I feel, surreal.

And I don't even know what I'm supposed to feel.

I'm drowning myself in work, and I want to feel elated.
I guess the past few days had been fast, I much needed a break.

I needed affection and sensitivity.
I need to feel sensible.

I need to feel something.
But I guess, I have to learn to be alone. Haha.

There's something wrong, but I don't know what that is.

I need motivation to work, honestly.
I need a motivation like love.
I need an affection as such.

But it seems so far, please whoever you are come here.





I'm honestly getting tired of trying and trying, despite the fact that I'm not happy and despite the fact that I am feeling taken for granted.

I'm tired of moving form every love. I want to stay. I want to land my feet.
I'm trying yet, why does it seem so hard?

After this, I swear, I will not be that same sensitive and loving woman. I will toughen up more. I will not let feelings run it's course. I will make my mind the master.

I'm tired. I'm tired of staying, hoping - and ending in tears.





I don't want to settle on what's less.

I'm not that weak.

I can handle myself just fine.

I will not be in a place without love - without enough love.

I will be strong.

I can do without anything right now. I don't need anything without love. I will not please anyone. I will not stay in a place without love.

I will not stay in a place without love - without a deserving love.





Can't I just do that? Can I just hide?
Can I not face any consequences that life intends?

Maybe I could escape in my ideal and unrealistic world.
But...

I'm being a coward.
I need to step up, man (woman) up and face whatever life throws at me. It's just that I'm feeling so many things that seems to be wrong. Is it wrong? Can you really learn it? I don't know. I don't wanna know, I need that raw attraction. AND I DON'T HAVE IT ANYMORE.

With whom will I be that attracted again?! To just be so happy and awed at staring the person you love.

Seriously, I wish things would turn out okay.





Am I not being in touch with my inner sensitivity?
After 3 years of constantly having physical affection, I found myself craving for it now. And I think I'm in my end's wits.

I... I want physical affection. I want it badly, but upon reading and coming terms with a love story, I still kind of think and hoped that there would still be one for me.

But, I don't wanna be in a relationship anymore.
I don't wanna be tied up. I don't wanna be committed.
I am not ready.

But is this all that I really want?

I... I wanna be loved. I want to be stared at like I'm the only one in that person's world.
I would exchange all those physical affections for that stare, for those eyes that looks warmly at me. For the eyes that tells me that it loves me in that certain ethereal feeling even without words.

But, there's nobody. I can't even give my heart to just anybody. Is dating my answer? Can I really do it with that?

I'm tired of meeting new people and look for "prospects".

I just want to cuddle and watch movies.
Have meaningful and passionate sex.
Play video games together.
Enjoy the silence.
Eat together.
And just be contented with each other.

I don't like playing games, I'm sick of all this.